Running Into the Arms of My Father

Sitting on the floor of the convent chapel, I vented my frustration to Jesus. “Can You believe she won’t let me do this even though it’s so reasonable?” I complained to Him.  

I had just had a tough conversation with the Sister in charge of my formation in religious life. I asked her for permission to continue following a few specific penances I had privately taken over the past couple of years related to chastity. She knew that I used to struggle with masturbation, and I saw these as reasonable practices to help me maintain my chastity, so I had assumed it would be a simple and straight-forward conversation. 

When she told me no, I was shocked. She thoughtfully explained her reasoning and suggested alternatives, but I was annoyed. 

As I shared my annoyance with Jesus, I realized a different emotion was coming up… fear. 

Fear that without these practices I would not be able to stay chaste. 

I feared that a single fall would mean being fully caught in the chains of this sin again, and I wanted to do everything within my power to avoid that. 

Jesus and I had confronted my tendency toward self-reliance earlier in my freedom journey. He had already helped me see that He isn’t asking me to do this on my own, and that I need to trust in His grace. Discovering that I still had so much room to grow was humbling. 

When I brought my fears to the Lord, He gave me an image in prayer. I saw a little girl who was trying to run but was hobbling because of braces on her arms and legs. The braces fell off, allowing her to pick up speed and run freely. She joyfully ran and then jumped into the outstretched arms of her father, who caught her mid-air.  

Through this image, Jesus showed me that the penances I was trying to hold onto and thought I needed—and might have for a season—were like those braces. Instead of helping me to heal, they were making it harder for me to walk (or run) in the freedom He desired for me. 

I was so struck by how that image ended: her father catching her. She took a leap of faith, and he was there for her with open arms.  

This image continues to remind me that my Heavenly Father is always going to be there for me. I cling to that truth when I hear the lie that it’s solely up to me to maintain my freedom, and I remember how I wasn’t able to free myself from masturbation alone—only God’s grace could truly break those chains. I have a role to play in cooperating with Him, but my Father will never leave me. 

He knows how much I need Him, and He will always be with me, giving me what I need, day by day, to continue walking in freedom. 

God isn’t leaving your recovery up to you either. I encourage you to reflect on whether there are areas of self-reliance in your heart that you could turn over to Him. He is your Father who loves you so much that He offered His Son to defeat sin in a perfect sacrifice. 

He will never leave you alone on this journey; the path toward freedom He won for you. 

I know Jesus says to me and you the same words He spoke to St. Paul: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9) 

Chastity has been an area of profound weakness in my life, but that simply means that it’s an area for Christ’s power to manifest itself more perfectly. I’m grateful for the healing He has brought about, and the ability to grow in trust and surrender. 

I’m excited to see how He continues to manifest His mighty power in my weakness, as I run freely into the arms of my Father.