Healing and Freedom in the New Year

We've all made a promise to ourselves that this is the last time. Really, this is it - I'm never going to do it again. But somehow, we always find ourselves falling again. This cycle of falling, promising, and breaking can destroy our self-image and cause us to lose faith in ourselves, convinced that sustainable change and healing aren’t possible.  It can lead to hopelessness in our healing journey and often create the mindset of, "Well, I know I'm going to fall anyway, so why fight it?" 

So, as we enter this New Year and you begin thinking through resolutions, the first piece of advice I have is this: stop promising yourself it's never going to happen again. 

Now, this might be confusing to hear, especially coming from a woman who is specifically here to help in your journey towards breaking pornography, masturbation, and fantasy addictions. Aren't we supposed to promise ourselves to never do it again? 

The thing is though, while I love that conviction is one of our first feelings after falling, this mindset can actually become detrimental to our growth, especially when we know fighting a soft addiction like pornography and masturbation requires a lot of healing and brain rewiring. It isn't going to happen overnight, which means there is a good chance we might fall again. We must develop standards and goals for ourselves that leave room for mercy, growth, and time. 

So, if we are no longer promising ourselves it won't happen again, what do we do? After much personal experience  and lots of research, I've put together some fundamental tips to create sustainable resolutions and goals for healing and freedom in 2022:

1. Make SMART Goals: Make sure your goals are specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound. 

Don’t just say you want to overcome your masturbation addiction. Instead, define what overcoming this addiction means to you in this season of life, and how you can measure your growth. Decide on specific changes you plan to implement and create deadlines for your transformation. For example, Don’t just say you want to stop watching porn with a significant other. Set specific standards for yourself and your relationship, and be willing to have those hard conversations with your boyfriend or husband about setting those boundaries. 

A smart goal could be to begin tracking your menstrual cycle daily to discover if there is a correlation between your cycle and when you feel most tempted. The more specific you are, the better. One of the greatest goals I ever set for myself was actively working towards healing the wounds and pains that lead me to seek masturbation as a coping mechanism. Part of this time-bound and achievable goal was finding a solid female, Christian therapist within two months. By having an end date for myself surrounding a specific action, I was able to push through the pride and fear that was holding me back from finding the woman who later changed my life. 

2. Find an Accountability Partner: Healing and growth are almost impossible to achieve alone. 

Once you’ve set your goals, share them with someone you trust and check in with each other regularly to ensure you are staying on track. An accountability partner is one of the hardest, most humbling, and most essential parts of your healing journey. You need someone to regularly check in on you, message when you are feeling tempted, and share when you have fallen. I really, really recommend that your accountability partner is the same gender as you and not your significant other. 

3. Keep Reminders of Your Resolution All Around You: Create a vision board or screensaver that shows your dreams and goals for your journey of healing. 

Write out your goals, resolutions, and dreams on sticky notes, to leave around your house as constant reminders of the work you’re doing and the woman you’re becoming. Do whatever works best for you - don’t let yourself forget what you are working towards.

4. Have Some Sort of Buy-In: When we don’t have any skin in the game, it’s a lot harder to stay motivated and continue the work when we don’t feel like it.

This might be the hardest of all the tips to follow through with, and yet, for many, this can be the most important.  If you've invested in this resolution - sacrificed money, time, or something important to you - it keeps you motivated in the work, no matter what comes up. This could mean investing in Covenant Eyes for your computer and phone. It could also mean buying a book on the topic, donating to organizations supporting men and women who used to work in the industry, or donating to Magdala to support our mission. 

5. Show Up for Yourself: At the end of the day, the healing isn't going to happen if you don't show up and do the work. 

It isn't on your Magdala Moderator, accountability partner, or anyone else to heal you (this of course excludes Jesus, who is the ultimate Healer and someone you can completely rely on to heal you). You have to dedicate the time to show up for the Magdala meetings. You must have the courage and conviction to reach out to your accountability partners when you are feeling tempted or have fallen. And you must make the choice to enter therapy or find further help if you need it. As much as we wish we could take away your addictions as your Magdala Moderators, we can’t do anything to help you if you don’t show up. 

6. Be Merciful to Yourself: Be merciful with yourself through this entire process.

 This is the last and most important tip I can give you. Healing and growth don't happen overnight. For many of us, this addiction has been a coping mechanism and habit for years, and that means it isn't something that will change in an instant. We will fall many times before finding complete healing, and that’s okay. One of the most radical realizations I had in my healing journey was this: it doesn't matter when or how many times you fall, all that matters is what you do afterward. You could fall every single day and Jesus will still love.- The only thing that matters to him is whether we return to Him after. When you fall, run to Jesus - run to mercy - and remember that without Him, healing is impossible. 

As we enter into this new year, with so many unknowns still around us, I encourage you to rest in the stable arms of our Father, taking the time to really think through these 6 tips and create resolutions that are sustainable and life-giving.

Happy New Year ladies.