What I’ve Learned About Chastity

When I was younger, I signed the chastity vow card; I read the books on purity; I listened intently to every talk my youth group offered, even when my friends called it “dumb.” 

At retreats, I whole-heartedly believed waiting until marriage wouldn’t be a problem for me. I never had strong romantic feelings growing up; I didn’t cry over love stories; I had no interest in dating. So I believed this battle with sex before marriage would simply not be one I needed to fight.

But none of this prepares you for the moment you look into the eyes of the man you’ve fallen in love with. 

Nothing prepares you for the shift that happens when love becomes real, tangible, and the long-held ideas of chastity are no longer abstract—they’re tested. 

The desire I feel is not disordered—I don’t want to use him. I simply want to be close to him. And yet, I never expected how hard that desire would hit me. 

Shame Where Grace Should Be

I was shocked by the intensity of my feelings. 

I thought something was wrong with me; I had never experienced this type of longing for another person before. I was not prepared at 20-years-old for the mix of emotions that came when I started dating, and the boundaries that needed to be established.

What hurt more than anything was the thought of us falling into sin, not for the sake of what it would do to our relationship, but for the sake of what it might say about me. 

I’m the one with the theology degree, studying at a Catholic university. My days are entirely devoted to discussing topics from Canon Law to the mysteries of the Holy Trinity. In my fear of messing up, I was driven not by conviction about God’s design for love, but by fear of what people would think if I failed to be pure.

And somewhere in that spiral, I lost sight of what chastity is truly about. 

Chastity is More Than Abstinence 

For a long time, I felt guilty for desiring someone I truly loved; I couldn’t shake the guilt for simply wanting him. I used to think the presence of temptation was a sign I was failing to be chaste, but the more I lean into Christ the more I realize this season is not about failure, it’s about faithfulness. 

Desire itself is not evil. God gave us a place for these desires to flourish: the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony.

Until the time when we can be joined as husband and wife, God isn’t asking us to hide our desires—He’s asking us to bring those desires and feelings to Him. To grow in a self-mastery not rooted in shame, but rooted in love and reverence for the beauty that awaits us.

In the garden, Eve didn’t fall because she had a desire. She fell because she believed she could be like God, without God. 

Once God is subtracted from the equation, beautiful things such as marriage and love become objectified and disfigured. They become ungodly. This is what Satan still whispers to us today, “You can take love into your own hands. What right does God have to tell you how to love?” 

True chastity begins by remembering we cannot love apart from God. We need to invite Him into every season of life—in the waves of emotion that come with falling in love, discernment, and surrendering to His Will, regardless of vocation.

The In-Between 

Magdala reminds me that the Father meets us in raw places. If you are in a season of waiting, 

of feeling deeply, 

of falling in love, 

or learning to love, you are not alone. 

This is the in-between where desires ache and holiness feels just out of reach, but Magdala reminds us there is dignity even here. 

This tension you feel? It is the sacred middle ground where saints are formed. In Magdala’s words, it is holy ground. 

So breathe. Be honest with yourself. Be honest with the Lord. 

He knows and sees the deepest desires of your heart, and those desires will be answered.