What Are You Afraid Of?
Not many people know this, but I’ve always struggled with paranoia.
Ever since I was a kid, I was afraid of what I couldn’t see. Sure, being afraid of a dark basement is normal for any kid, but I hated being alone, even as a teenager. I lived in a state of constant fear of break-ins, was plagued with recurring nightmares, and was overly cautious about every space I entered.
One of the things that actually confirmed my decision to attend my college was how safe I felt there. It was a safety I had never experienced before, and it wasn’t until I was older that I really knew why.
To this day, I always lock doors, have exit plans for if an intruder broke in, and still have a hard time sleeping at night. But there is one major difference between the scared teenager in my parents’ house and the woman who has lived alone the past 4 years: when I feel scared these days, I run to prayer.
My faith as a kid was there, but I had no idea how to pray, let alone any reasoning behind Church teaching. My soul was longing for substance but all I fed it was public school gossip, immature comedy, and vanity over what people thought (and then stubbornness on how little I cared).
When I was scared back then, I would distract myself with the world, but that’s not the answer for paranoia when the things you’re afraid of are the world.
Without any concept of the glory of Heaven, the love of my Father, and the protection of my Mother, I had no lasting coping mechanism. It was one distraction to another. But now when I’m paranoid, I ask myself one question:
What are you really afraid of?
Most of the time the answer is physical pain, emotional suffering, and mental torment. Sometimes it’s death, leaving loved ones behind, or even just the trauma of fear itself. But the correct response is all-encompassing no matter what the fear is:
God is greater than that fear, and His love will prevail.
If I have God, I am invincible. It doesn’t matter how much I suffer on this earth because the glory of Heaven is waiting for anyone and everyone who seeks Him first. He helped me through years of suffering before, why wouldn’t He help me now?
Even if my fear is dying, my mind can’t process even a fraction of how wonderful the joys of Heaven are. The world is going to end some day, but Heaven is everlasting; that is what I choose to focus on.
So when I feel scared, I remind myself of God’s love for me, and mine for Him.
I prepare my soul for death by seeking virtue and avoiding sin, and going to confession when I fall short of God’s plan for my life.
I sleep with a rosary in my hand and a Pieta Prayer Book under my pillow to remind myself Mary is watching over me.
And ya know what, sometimes the fear doesn’t go away; sometimes I still fall asleep scared. But doing it scared with God is a whole lot better than being scared without Him.
Nothing on this earth can touch me—not fear, suffering, shame, or pain—because my heart knows the blessings of this world are temporary, but the place they come from is not.
If you’re scared of sharing your story with someone because they might react poorly, God is with you.
If you’re scared to leave a harmful situation because you don’t know what lies ahead, God is with you.
If you’re scared to give up sexual sin because you don’t know how to cope otherwise, God is with you.
If you’re scared of your future, and the people who may or may not be in it, God is with you.
Whatever you’re afraid of, I promise you, God is greater. Let Him put your heart at ease—let Him fight your battles.