Recovery, Marriage, and the Cross

Recovering from compulsive sexual sin while married is a delicate dance. 

Uniquely—whereas our consecrated and single sisters who are called to express chastity through celibacy and abstinance—chastity in our vocation involves participating in sex. My sexuality, which I’ve sinfully and selfishly abused, is something I must continually learn how to share with my husband in the way God designed for us—me and him. And honestly, it’s a journey my husband and I are still on after eight years of marriage and three years of recovery.

Here’s what I know from experience…

At times it can feel like the very act of sex is something I’m unworthy of: like it’s been tainted somehow. Because I’ve abused that particular pleasure in the past, I shouldn’t be allowed to have it now. But those are lies from the Evil One. 

Marriage—and all it entails—is the process the Lord has chosen to shape me into a saint. It’s the method for my sanctification.

God designed sex for me and my husband. What I mean by that is at the dawn of Creation, when God made man and woman, He knew us. 

He knew my husband and I would be bound together in the sacrament of marriage, and within the grace of that sacrament we would express our marital love with our bodies. And God saw it was good! He knew I would be as I am, recovering from years of sexual addiction, and He saw fit to bless me with marriage so I might learn more of Him through a mutual gift of self with my husband.

I also know that the Lord does not ask anything of me that He has not given. In the case of the marital embrace and the two spouses' sacrificial gift of self, Christ provides for us a perfect example of this gift on the cross. Embracing the cross was not easy—even for Christ—but it was complete, done entirely in love. 

Learning to be vulnerable within the marital act, learning to give myself totally, is something I can only do if I endeavor to love like Christ—if I remember the cross.

Christ redeems the cross, transforming it from a device of torture into an avenue of love. The very thing that was made for His destruction becomes the beginning of our salvation. 

If Christ can exalt something as horrifying as the most severe form of Roman capital punishment, what more can He do with my love? 

What more can He do with my wounds? 

What more can he do within my marriage?

I understand Saint Paul now when he says, “for when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:10) Embracing a healthy sex life within marriage has unique challenges, but these weaknesses have left room, “...that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9) 

I take comfort now in the understanding that I don’t have to do this perfectly because Christ is there in my imperfection, loving me.

So I’ll continue to grow in love and vulnerability as I gaze steadily on the cross, where love and vulnerability were perfectly married for eternity.