Purity in Long-Distance Relationships

Let’s admit it: long-distance relationships are not a walk in the park. 

Yes, they can be beautiful—strengthening your relationship emotionally when your connection is limited to phone calls and writing letters—but they can also be hard, painfully hard. 

You’re juggling FaceTime dates, praying over the phone, and the temptation to cross boundaries when you see each other is heightened. This is something I’ve been personally struggling with, and I want to share what I’ve discovered not as someone who has it all together, but as a 23-year-old trying to figure it out too.

Purity Isn’t Just Physical

When people talk about remaining pure in relationships, often it begins and ends with “just don’t sleep together before marriage.” But if you’ve ever been in a relationship—especially a long-distance one—then you know it’s much more complex than that. Living chastely is more than just respecting the dignity of one another, it’s about your heart, your mind, and the intentions behind your words and actions.

It’s in the way you text when it’s late.

The way you talk about boundaries.

The way you discuss physical acts that are meant for marriage.

The way you let your thoughts travel a bit too long.

And before you know it, you’ve opened a door for temptation to creep in.

Why Leave the Door Open?

It’s difficult to close one of these doors once it’s opened. Even if you “haven’t done anything yet” you may have experienced intrusive thoughts that make you wish you did. Yes, these thoughts are unprompted, but when we end up dwelling on them and fantasizing, that’s when Satan begins to work. These thoughts are an invitation for the enemy to corrupt your relationship, and he doesn’t knock politely at the door.

Satan sees that small opening and barges in with lies:

“If you really love each other, you would….”

“Don’t worry, you know you’re going to get married anyway…”

“It’s just one time, no one will ever find out…”

“He will find someone else if you don’t….”

“As long as you don’t have sex, you’ll be fine…” 

“God never said you can’t do this…”

These are a few of the many ways Satan attempts to deceive a couple pursuing holiness, but here’s the thing: Satan doesn’t need you to fall into sin overnight, he needs you to be comfortable getting closer and closer to crossing boundaries. He invests in the “almost” moments, where “how far is too far” becomes a common question—the gray area, the blurred lines. 

He wants you to become comfortable justifying your actions. And when we know this, we can focus more and more on keeping that door to temptation shut. 

Above All Else, Guard Your Heart

It’s important to guard your heart against near occasions of sin, even when it seems “dramatic” or “too much”. What can you start doing today to be the couple that says, “we will do this in order to protect our purity”?

Here are some of the things that have helped me:

• Not discussing the opportunity (or desire) for marital acts until you are engaged, closer to your wedding date.

• Talking to a priest who can offer guidance in moments of confusion.

• Having a curfew, even on FaceTime—not giving any room to feel emotionally or physically tempted just because it’s late.

• Being open with trusted friends or mentors about how you are struggling, and having an accountability partner to help avoid fantasizing.

• Bringing your struggles to the foot of the cross, and asking Jesus to guide you and your partner through this time of discernment.

I’ll be honest, I do not do these things perfectly. 

There are moments where I want to throw purity aside and just be physically close to my boyfriend. Like many couples we often have situations that test our resolve, and challenge our values and physical boundaries. 

I’ve had moments where I opened the door, thinking I can keep it cracked just for a little bit. 

But during these moments the Holy Spirit gently—sometimes painfully—reminds me that purity is not about “limitations” and “restricting,” it’s about freedom. 

It’s choosing love that values true intimacy and gift of self, free from any guilt or shame. 

A love that is patient, kind, and reflects how Christ loves His Bride the Church.

If You Have Already Opened the Door

If you’re reading this and thinking, “I’ve already messed up…”, just breathe, and know you are not alone. 

You are not far from purity, and by no means does this make you any less a daughter of God. 

Jesus has not turned His face from you. He is sitting with you, listening, not shaking His head, but inviting you to Him. The more we recognize how hard this is, the more we can lean on Jesus to be radically transformed by True Love itself.

Long-distance relationships take a lot of work, but so does purity. Guard your heart not because you are afraid of messing up, but because you know your heart is precious. 

Do not let the door stay cracked. Slam it shut, right in the face of the enemy, and hand Jesus the key. 

He is the only One who knows how to keep it, and your heart, safe.