Hallie’s Story
My first exposure to pornography was in fourth grade when I got an iPod touch.
Social media platforms like Instagram were very new and virtually unregulated. Because of this, my first exposure was completely unintentional, and from the confusion that followed, it was easy to seek out more content without getting on a website that would get me in trouble with my mom.
In my mind, I was only seeking to understand and, once I learned enough, I would stop watching. What occurred instead was an on-again-off-again habitual porn addiction that spanned the next 12 years of my life, during which my compulsive behavior escalated to both pornography consumption and masturbation.
In sixth grade, I started regularly attending youth group and fell in love with Jesus. But still, I frequently justified my actions during periods of addiction:
“The Bible only really talks about not having sex so this is fine.”
“The youth pastor said masturbation was bad but he specified he was talking to the boys so it probably just doesn’t apply to girls—we have different rules.”
“The internet says masturbation is healthy and I know God wants me to be healthy.”
This paralleled with periods of sobriety, during which I told myself, “that was the last time”; “I know better now so I don’t have to worry about that stuff anymore.” As the cycle continued in secret, I became known by my peers as, “The Jesus Girl.” This title in high school was especially damning because I was the “innocent virgin”—if anyone found out my secret addiction, I could never lead them to Christ and it would be all my fault.
I was in a spell of sobriety when I became involved at the Newman Center my freshman year of college. That summer, I met a boy at a wedding; he wasn’t Catholic or devout in any Christian faith, but he thought my dedication to the Faith was cool and supported my desire to save sex for marriage. But I couldn’t carry chaste boundaries by myself, and after three months of dating, we were engaging in sexual behaviors.
By our six month anniversary, we were in a fully physical and intimate relationship. I stopped attending the Newman Center and Sunday Mass, almost entirely. It was easier to avoid God—avoid thinking about my faith—and pretend that I wasn’t pushing away feelings of shame and anxiety. I was enjoying my first serious relationship, I loved him, and we were going to get married one day. The sex wouldn’t even be a problem anymore; we just had to get to the finish line!
The issue was, this shame and anxiety I kept forcing away continued to bubble up, and I really did long for a relationship with God. I knew what it was like to be in a season of prayer, to frequent the sacraments, and to know glimpses of God’s peace, and I missed that. A familiar cycle emerged: first,
“This time was the last time and then we’re waiting until marriage”
then,
“At this point I’m never going to stop sinning and having sex—to hell with it all. I’ll just do what I want.”
During this time, my record for time between confessions was one day: I went to confession on Thursday and was right back in the confessional that Saturday.
By God’s grace, the friends I had at the Newman Center whom I had ghosted continued to reach out, continued to invite me to events, and continued to pray for me even without knowing the scope of what was going on in my life. I had many grace-filled conversations and experiences dispersed throughout my relationship. God worked on my heart very gently, and He waited until I was ready to be transformed by His grace.
The major catalyst of this journey—the life-changing moment, the big bang—was FOCUS’s SEEK conference in 2024. It was my second time there and I was so excited to experience a week of grace, freedom, and consolation. I was always very intentional about the talks I attended, careful to invite the Holy Spirit to guide me where I needed to be.
That year, I felt pulled toward a talk called “Healing Female Sexuality in a Pornified World.” I was hesitant to go for a number of reasons. I don’t really struggle with porn anymore, what if this isn’t even relevant for me? What if someone from the Newman Center saw me? There will probably only be like three other girls in the room and it’ll be super awkward. You can imagine how the list continues.
I recently found out the approximate number of women in that room with me: 2,000. It was a beautiful and radical moment of encounter with the Lord. So many things Rachael spoke were as if someone took a magnifying glass and read my soul out loud. Finally there was a beacon of hope, freedom, and healing. I finally knew that I wasn’t alone—I wasn’t crazy for feeling so powerless to my desires. From there I knew, clear as day, the Lord was saying, “It’s Hallie’s time to heal. She is ready for Me.”
I ran to the Magdala Ministries booth, talked with Rachael, and bought her book. I spent the rest of the conference with my nose in that book, praying in Eucharistic Adoration. I remember pouring my heart out to God, asking Jesus to either center my relationship on Him or end it—either way I knew I was ready to be healed. In an act of radical love from my boyfriend, guided by the Holy Spirit, our relationship ended. It was a beautiful and painful night of tears, kindness, and true, self-sacrificial love.
It took time, frequent consumption of the sacraments, many tears, and an abundance of grace for me to be sitting where I am today.
With deep gratitude I can say that the Lord has healed me, and continues to heal me every day. He has freed me from the depths of my shame and anxiety, and is working in the many areas of my life I still need His grace.
My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord, my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for He has looked with favor on His lowly servant.