Continuing Our Discussion on Body Image
This blog post will act as an in-depth response to a wonderful comment we got on Mary Jo’s last blog about body image and body dissatisfaction. You can see the comment below, followed by Mary Jo’s response:
Hi, Mary Jo...
wow, I wasn’t expecting that anyone on earth had experienced what I did up to age 13...including my same ability to believe in Santa! And my “carefree, tomboyish childhood” roughing it with my (wonderful) brother and his friends... and that shame that engulfed me as I developed into something so foreign and so repugnant to me, seemingly so limiting to my self-definition, as becoming a woman (my bff and I weren’t comfortable with the term itself until we were about 26). It came from growing up in a porn-drenched world, yes— but just walking in front of Victoria’s Secret stores caused me writhing shame— but also much of it came from the constant being told what “ladies” do and can’t do, because these images and these rules came together. “Girls shouldn’t whistle. Be too smart/honest for boys. Climb trees. Sit like a boy.” Etc. Still, girls would never be treated with real, authentic, personality-engulfing love by a male, seemed like reality to me too. My personal experience included being the first girl born in two generations of Mediterranean-culture men. Women were not “elevated.” The ability to give birth and nurture life was as much objectified and demeaned as anything else belonging to women. And then of course, the unforgettable comments of my coarse male public-school classmates at age 12, formerly considered my friends and playmates, about my beautifully developing body that made me, who objectively can say I have “the perfect body,” want to hide it for the next 15 years! My dating years were lost in denial! I never dated til I was 27, out of fear of having to acknowledge sexuality. I longed to stay perpetually 11 years old, lost in dreams of my pre-adolescence mutual crush. And yes, before the grace of my first Sacrament of Confession at age 8, I gave the bad objectifying images from otherwise popular movies reign in my young brain. Everything you say about women’s objectification turning many to self-repugnance is true. I think we see it today in the girls who “identify” as “non-binary,” “asexual,” or simply as boys.
My healing came from understanding the teaching of the Church on women, JPII especially recognizing her gifts and dignity, and from meditating on how our Lord treated women compared to the norms across all non-Christian cultures.
So my question for your consideration is, How do we reach the young Anne of Green Gables girls, Jo March girls, girls of color who grow up in the ghetto-rap culture, prior to puberty, and give them the knowledge that womanhood is indeed a gift of God, and the zenith of His Creation? Thanks so much. God bless. Holy Mother of God, protect all children.
- Loved by Him
Mary Jo’s Response to “Loved By Him”
Hey Loved By Him, great name, and thanks for this comment!
It actually comforts me just as much as it comforts you to know that someone can relate personally to my story! haha. Most of my friends in middle school were pretty happy to be developing and couldn't understand why I wasn't, which made me feel even more alone and uncomfortable in my womanhood. You also pose a very powerful question, which I will try to answer. A few things come to my mind...
Many times growing up when I was acting silly or boyish, my parents would lightheartedly say "Well THAT'S not attractive!" And I'm pretty sure they meant it as a joking statement, but the way I took it in was "GREAT, cause I'm not trying to be!" And these experiences actually strengthened my stubborn resolve to never be stereotypically feminine in any way, shape, or form.
At some point, though, I realized that a true lady is treated very well and often gets precisely what she wants, provided it's something God would want too. Think of iron-willed Mother Teresa, who was able to get everything she needed for the poor through prayer and perseverance in asking others to provide her with housing, food, medicine, etc... How is it possible that this tiny woman could walk through the ghettos every day without harm? She was known as a true lady of God, and as such God protected her and gave her all she needed. So, I realized there is value to possessing the skills of a truly feminine "lady," and I started practicing those. Not in a sweltering, finishing-school kind of way, but just so that I could be a poised lady when I want, and a prankish tomboy when I want. And that's how I operate to this day! There is space for both in my identity.
What are the lessons of this phenomenon? I think that we need to be careful what statements we make, even in a joking way, around little girls. Yes, they will grow up in a world drenched with all kinds of ideas about what women should or shouldn't be, but they will pay attention first and foremost to OUR examples and words as the adults in their lives.
I think the best solution for girls like us - the Jo Marches of the world - is just to rejoice in their personalities and over time try to help them see that there is power in being virtuous women. Maybe they never want to practice "being a lady" in the classical sense, and that's fine! I think half the reason I put on that side of my identity is just for the fun theatrics of it. But they will surely have some of their own good ideas about who they want to be and how they'd like to be perceived. As the grown-up women in their lives, we can help them to understand how virtues and skills play a part in their identity, whatever flavor it takes, and how to practice them.
Regarding the physical aspects of puberty, I think that framing the new developments more like "superpowers" is helpful. Women have these amazing powers that men will never have; ovulation, gestation, lactation. Our world chooses to view these as inconvenient and/or awkward. But we can still choose to see them and talk about them in a positive way to our daughters. After all, only heroes are bestowed superpowers, and "with great power comes great responsibility." And because we have these powers, to some extent it's really up to us women (with God) to try and "save the world" by bringing life into it, whether physically, intellectually, spiritually, or all the above. To me, this is what an "empowering" discussion of puberty could sound like.
As for the "how", if you know any little girls in your life, don’t be afraid to spend some quality time with them and just be yourself! Your actions will speak louder than all your words, and if you do want to encourage conversation then you can make the first move and ask them some thoughtful questions like "what does it mean to be a woman?", "what is true womanhood to you?", or “who is a woman that you admire very much and why?”
Another option is to take up any form of volunteering or mentorship, putting yourself in a position to help young girls. Organizations like "Big Brothers Big Sisters," "Boys and Girls Club," or even just becoming more involved in your local church community are great!
Ultimately, we can't fix this world, and there's a better one coming anyway! But we can and absolutely should take part in making our world a little better for our precious girls today and those to come in the future. That's part of why we started Magdala!
Thank you for your question, and thanks for being part of our community here!