A Fall is Not the End

My addiction began when I was a young teenager. 

I spent the next six or seven years barely even trying to fight my temptations. When I was in my late teens, I finally began the journey of pulling myself, inch by inch, out of the pit of helplessness I was in.

It was a hard, long fight, and I rarely felt successful. Praise be to God though, I’m stubborn. 

Through sheer white-knuckling willpower, I managed to shove down every impure sexual impulse I had. For some time between 18 months and 2 years during college, I didn't fall to temptation.

But, I was still white-knuckling it. 

I wasn’t being honest. 

I wasn’t relying on God, His grace, and His love for me. 

No one knew what I was going through, and I was doing my best to pretend nothing was wrong. At some point during this time, I fell again, and had no ability to climb back out of the pit from my teens. 

I reentered the cycle of addiction.

When I was in my late twenties I went through a Magdala group. God reached into my wounded places and brought healing from them. 

For the first time, I was able to be honest about my past and my experiences. 

I learned that I was not alone in my pain and my struggles. 

And after completing my group, I went on to become a moderator myself.

After my Magdala group ended, I had a fall after 16 months of sobriety. I was not as careful as normal, and I encountered a trigger and some materials unintentionally.

Except this time, I had tools to fix it. 

I had a renewed relationship with the Lord and felt I could turn to prayer immediately after a fall. 

I had a network of people from group I could turn to for prayer and accountability. 

I had an accountability partner who was able to encourage and pray for me. 

I was able to immediately use software to blacklist the place I had gone.

And I knew I could get back up. 

Even after 16 months of sobriety, I had the skills and strength to pick myself back up and continue on the path of healing and growth. Because my sobriety this time was based on trust in God and His endless, all-encompassing grace. 

I can fall back on Him and His love for me, and know I’m not alone in this fight.

This time, a fall after sobriety was just a slight misstep. 

I have not fallen back into the cycle of addiction. 

I flailed my arms a little, regained my balance, and am continuing my journey towards holiness.